Don't Go
by DaynaJD
Summary: Rodney decides being with Sheppard is too difficult. Waring: Slash fic. Last chapter up.
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Go**

**Ddoskocil**

Warning: This is a slash fic. That means there are two guys in a sexual relationship (although there's no sex in this story...or even kissing for that matter). So, if you don't want to read about two guys, click that little back button on your browser. You have been warned. No flames.

A/N: Okay, now that that's out of the way: This is a story about Rodney and John that takes place after _The Tower_. It was inspired by "Cold" by Matchbox Twenty. You can find the lyrics and the song at matchboxtwenty(dot)com.

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Rodney steeled himself as the meeting came to an end. What he planned to do next was not going to be easy, nor pretty. But Rodney realized he needed to let go. Sheppard wasn't for him. He was sick to death of the space between them. Rodney wasn't really the touchy, feely type, but every once in a while he just wanted to hold John, know he was real.

Sheppard, he corrected himself.

But Sheppard didn't allow anything physical. They couldn't let on, couldn't let anyone know. He had to maintain his imagine, although Rodney couldn't see the point anymore. Sheppard often told him he couldn't understand, although that was impossible because he was a genius.

Maybe he didn't understand.

It didn't matter any more. His mind was made up and there was no turning back. He didn't need the pain that came from dealing with Colonel Sheppard. He had enough problems with the Wraith, the Genii, and all the general problems of keeping a ten thousand year-old city running. Adding one John Sheppard into the mix was proving to be too much. Especially the space between them.

"Colonel, do you have a moment?" he asked as everyone stood. Sheppard had that little smile on his lips, the one that first caught Rodney. He turned away.

"What's up, McKay? Another jumper that needs to be tested?" Sheppard asked hopefully. Rodney grimaced. The jumpers had been one of his favorite toys in Atlantis. Now they serviced as a reminder of what he had with Sheppard. It would never be the same.

"No, actually," he responded. He could see Sheppard frown, but he ignored it. "Just follow me."

"What's this about, McKay?" Sheppard asked as he followed Rodney from the briefing room to the labs. Rodney continued to ignore him. It would not do to break up in the halls. Wouldn't want to ruin Sheppard's precious reputation. When they reached the labs, Rodney went straight to his office, pushing off any questions to Radek. When they were settled in the office, Rodney mentally locked the door.

"Rodney?' Sheppard asked as he took a seat on the edge of the desk. "What's this all about? I thought we were going to go on a little trip to the mainland?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don't want to?" Rodney burst out.

"No, I guess not."

"What the hell are we doing here, Sheppard? Because, really, I want to know what you think."

"What do you mean?"

"Oh for crying out loud! I found out about that alien girl," Rodney blurted out. "So I want to know exactly what you think we're doing here."

"Look, McKay," the other man replied in his dangerously low voice. Rodney knew that voice well, but today he didn't care for the warning sign.

"No, you look, Colonel. I'm done with this, all right." Saying it hurt much more that Rodney thought it would. Truth be told, he needed Sheppard like he needed coffee. It kept him going, was the reason he still got up in the morning, still went through that gate. But Sheppard lied to him and cheated on him. True, they never really discussed exclusivity, but never the less, it still hurt. And Rodney was done with that kind of hurt.

"If that's how you feel, McKay," was the only response he received. It was a crushing response. How could Sheppard be that cold? It just proved it would never work out in the long run.

"I guess I'll see you at the next team briefing," Sheppard said coldly as he turned to leave.

"I'm taking myself off your team," Rodney replied. He wasn't going to let Sheppard get the best part of him. No. He was going to lock himself in his lab, steel himself, and work on everything that needed his attention. The city was huge so he would never be out of projects.

"What are you talking about, McKay?"

"I'm too valuable to be in the field. I'll assign another scientist to take my place. I'm not going through the gate unless it's an emergency from now on. Elizabeth already agreed to it," Rodney replied with more arrogance that he felt. He was sure Sheppard got the message. If they couldn't be this, they couldn't be friends. Rodney couldn't be content with just friendship anymore now that he knew a different side of Sheppard.

Sheppard glared at him for a second. "I'm talking to Elizabeth about this," he informed Rodney before he stormed out of Rodney's office. The scientist just sighed and collapsed into his chair. He buried his head in his hands and just sat there for a long time as a million thoughts when though his mind.

He worried about Sheppard. He knew the man could not hide who he was forever. The military would find out one day. Rodney just hoped that by then, it wouldn't be much of an issue in Atlantis. But he knew no matter what that he couldn't be there for John when that day happened. Sheppard. He couldn't be with Sheppard.

He needed to be with Sheppard.

Damn it! He just couldn't believe in the man any more. He couldn't know it this was real or some release. He didn't want to be just some release.

He really hadn't wanted Sheppard to leave.

Rodney tried to forget by busying himself in his work. He did as promised and assigned another scientist to Sheppard's team. Teyla and Ronon didn't like the guy. He never heard about it from Sheppard. That was just as well for Rodney. He was feeling to low about the whole thing and he really didn't want to see how Sheppard was moving on. Even when they weren't seeing each, Sheppard still managed to affect him. The man didn't even know what kind of effect he had on Rodney.

It was a few weeks later when one of the Puddle jumpers broke down. Radek could fix the thing all right, but he hated being in them. That left Rodney to test them. He was almost to Sheppard's door when he realized his mistake. He was just about to turn when Sheppard exited his room.

"McKay," he said impersonally.

"Colonel," Rodney replied, trying to keep any emotion out of his voice.

"Where are you off to?"

All right, Rodney could make polite conversation. "I was looking for Stackhouse."

Sheppard's eyes seemed to widen. "Why?"

"Because I need a pilot, Colonel. Why else would I go to an enlisted man?" He hoped that one stung at Sheppard a little.

"Of course," Sheppard responded. "Stackhouse is out on a mission. I could do it for you."

That one stopped Rodney cold. He hadn't expected Sheppard to volunteer. He hesitated for a moment, not really sure if he wanted to be in such a small space with his ex-lover. But the jumper needed to be tested today and there were few people that Rodney trusted to fly the jumpers after his accident.

"Fine," he reluctantly agreed.

"Fine."

They made their way to the jumper bay in complete, uncomfortable silence. The silence continued until they were circling over the mainland, where Sheppard finally spoke.

"I've been thinking," he started.

"Is that a new development?" Rodney shot back.

Sheppard rolled his eyes and continued, "We worked well together, Rodney. And this new guy you stuck us with, Pierce, he just doesn't cut it. Why don't you come back to the team?"

"I'm happy with what I'm doing," Rodney replied as he checked his computer read outs.

"You've got to miss gate travel, though."

"Oh, yes. I miss being shot at, chased, and hunted. I especially miss those forced marches and the running," Rodney snarked back.

"I miss you Rodney," Sheppard admitted. That took Rodney by surprise.

"What?"

"Don't you miss me just a little?"

"No," Rodney lied. "I don't miss the lying, the cheating, the stupid rules, the deceiving, the lows, or the crashes. I don't miss any of it. This jumper's fine. Let's take it back to Atlantis." Most of it was true, anyway. He did not miss the baggage of Sheppard. He did miss the jokes, the wit, and the smile, though.

The ride back to Atlantis was even more awkward than the trip out. Neither man spoke, and Rodney could feel the tension that was building. He just hoped they got back to Atlantis before the flood gates broke. They almost made it, had settled in the jumper bay when Sheppard spoke again.

"I was an idiot, okay? I'm sorry. Just, come back."

"To the team or to you?"

"Both."

"Tell me something about you."

"What?"

"Tell me something about you," Rodney repeated.

"I like to surf."

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Tell me something I don't know. Tell me something no one knows," Rodney demanded. Sheppard just stared at him for a long while until Rodney's patience ran out.

"If you can't even do that, than no." He stormed out of the jumper bay and told himself to forget Sheppard. All the time his heart cried to him that he should go back and forgive Sheppard. But Rodney couldn't.

Don't go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Something**

**Ddoskocil**

Warning: Same as the first chapter. This is a slash fic. No flames (although that's not that same as no criticism).

A/N: I wasn't going to write a sequel, but several people wanted me to, so here you go. I fixed them (although it's only fair since I did break them). Enjoy. Oh, and this one was slightly inspired by "Love Me or Leave Me" by Trisha Yearwood from her _Inside Out_ CD. Visit trishayearwood(dot)com to hear it.

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Rodney sat on the edge of his bed with his head between his knees. He wasn't sure how long he'd been like that, but he had a headache and suspected that the blood was rushing to his brain. He briefly wondered if that could damage his IQ. Currently, he wasn't sure he really cared.

It wasn't so bad when he hadn't seen Sheppard every day. The pain has just been a dull hum at the back of his brain, ignored and buried under arrogance and sarcasm. But to actually face Sheppard like that, to tell him it was really over, brought all those horrible feelings back. Feelings Rodney wished he could never feel again. Now he remembered why he never got seriously involved with anyone before.

Sheppard had even given him the chance to forgive and forget. Fuck! Who was the idiot now? Rodney stood with every intention of going to find Sheppard. Tell him he was forgiven, tell him Rodney would come back, tell him everything could be all right. He stopped three steps to the door with his hands clenched into fists.

No. He won't do it. He won't go crawling back to that cocky flyboy. Rodney had his pride after all. He wasn't some lovesick teenager for fuck's sake. He was already moving on. Yes. He was done with Sheppard. He was completely over him. Completely.

Then why did it hurt so much to walk away?

Rodney sank to the floor and leaned against the bed, his head in his hands. Damn it.

There was a knock at the door and Rodney allowed himself a glimmer of hope. He snorted at his folly. As if thinking about Sheppard could some how bring him to his door. Idiot. Things like that did not happen to Doctor Rodney McKay.

"Rodney?" a voice asked. His voice. Rodney did not want to believe. He **didn't** want to believe. Things like this did not happen to him.

"Rodney? You in there?" His voice was quiet, almost a whisper. He probably didn't want anyone to hear. Rodney huffed and didn't answer.

"Come on, McKay," he said again, a little louder this time. "Damn it, McKay. Open the damn door." Rodney just sat there, a frown on his lips as Sheppard pounded on the door twice. Then it sounded as if he leaned against the door and slide down.

"Damn it, McKay. Don't make me beg out here." Rodney entertained the brief notion of making Sheppard beg. It had a nice ring to it. Sheppard begging. At his door. But still he stayed silent. He wasn't even going to give Sheppard a chance. Then why did he find himself raising and making his way to the door. He almost opened it. Almost. Instead, he slumped against the door and could imagine Sheppard just on the other side. It was strangely comforting, although Rodney did not want to admit it.

"Damn it, Rodney. I'm sorry. I fucked up and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Fuck," Sheppard said on the other side of the door. Rodney heard a thump against the door and imagined it was Sheppard banging his head against the door. He hoped it hurt.

"I didn't mean to. I just-fuck, I don't know how to do this. I've never been good at this relationship stuff." Rodney found the admittance to be a bit on the unbelievable side. Sheppard didn't know how to be in a relationship? He almost laughed at the thought. Rodney was the one who didn't know what he was doing. It never occurred to him that Sheppard didn't either. It still didn't change anything, Rodney told himself.

"Rodney, let me in. Please. Please, Rodney." He was begging. John Sheppard was begging. Rodney never thought he'd see the day that Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard would beg. Of course, most days Rodney wasn't sure he would live to see tomorrow.

"Tell me something," Rodney finally said. He wasn't sure what made him say anything at all. But he said it.

"What? Come on, McKay. Just let me in."

"Just tell me, Sheppard." There was a long pause before the sound of someone getting up; then footsteps walking away from the door. Rodney knew it. Things like that really didn't happen to people like him. All that hope for nothing. Sheppard would never change. Besides Rodney was over him anyway.

The suddenly bang on the door made Rodney jump. "Damn it, McKay!" There was another bang and than quieter. "Damn it. My father kicked me out when I was sixteen. He beat the hell out of me then kicked me to he curb. Didn't even let me get my stuff. He just threw it out of my bedroom window. So, there it is. Something I've never told anyone."

Rodney was stunned. Actually, stunned wasn't quite the word. He wasn't sure if there was a word in the English language to describe what he felt. He made a mental note to ask Radek if there was a Czech word for the situation.

"All right, Rodney. If that's the way you want it. I'll leave you alone," Sheppard said after a long heavy sigh. The words seeped into Rodney's brain and he was off the floor in a flash. His door opened with a whoosh to find Sheppard leaning heavily against the doorframe with his head down. Rodney could actually see tear tracks down his cheeks. It unnerved him more than a little. He'd never seen John cry. Never. It was...weird. Rodney reached out and touched one of John's tear streaked cheeks in a gentle caress. John placed a hand on his.

"Will you let me in now?" he asked. "Please, Rodney." And Rodney did something that just hours before he swore he would never do. He let Sheppard in.

They sat on opposite sides of the bed without touching. Now that he was here, Rodney wasn't sure what the say. He really hadn't prepared anything to say because he honestly never expected to speak with Sheppard again.

"Why'd your dad kick you out?" he asked, mainly because there was nothing else to say. And he kind of wanted to know.

"He caught me making out with my history tutor," Sheppard responded. He quickly added, "My male history tutor. He was furious. I thought he was going to kill me."

Rodney remained silent for a moment as thought about his own father. "Yeah. I had a similar experience. What'd you do?"

"Stayed with an aunt and uncle until I graduated high school. Flew commercially for a few years. I joined the Air Force the minute I heard he was killed. What happen to you?"

"What are you doing here, Sheppard?" Rodney answered.

"You can't answer a question with a question."

"Well, I just did." There was silence again.

"I was serious in the jumper. I miss you, Rodney. And apparently we weren't as sneaky as I thought. Both Ronon and Teyla said I'm extra irritable when you're not there. So-"

"That's it? That's bullshit, Sheppard. You think I'm going to forgive you because Teyla and Ronon think you're more irritable. Well, if that's what you think you can get the hell out now," Rodney fired back as he stood. Who the hell did Sheppard think he was? Kirk?

"That's not what I meant, Rodney. I need you."

"Right. Like you needed that alien chick." Sheppard started to say something, but Rodney cut him off. "I don't want to hear you 'need me', okay? I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I want more than that. I want it all. I want the commitment, and from me that's saying a lot. I want the real thing now." Rodney squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. He couldn't believe was going to say this out loud: "I love you, okay? I fucking love you and if you can't love me back, then get out right now."

"Rodney-"

"I am so serious right now." Sheppard stood and Rodney knew it was really over. Until John did the unexpected. He crossed the space between them in a single step. He was so close Rodney could smell him; that sweet smell of sweat, dirt, and something else that was completely John. He cupped Rodney's face in his hands and kissed him.

John. Kissing him. In his room in Atlantis. Without the door even being locked. Rodney's brain almost melted, but he was still mad. He pushed against Sheppard before that talented tongue could get a chance to work its magic and put an arm's distance between them.

"That wasn't really an answer. I need an actual answer here. With actual words," he insisted.

"I want to do this, Rodney. I want to make it work."

"That means you have to give up some of your extra curricular activities."

"Such as?" Sheppard asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Cavorting with alien princesses for one," Rodney responded as if it should be obvious. Sheppard nodded. John nodded. "And no more sneaking off to the Puddle jumpers. And I want you to stay the night."

"Rodney, I-"

"Nope. That's it. Those are the new rules. There shall be lots of hot sex in beds followed by cuddling and sleeping in the same bed. Most nights. We can keep the 'no hot sex on missions' rule," Rodney announced. "And if you can't do that, I'm done. That's what I want, nothing less."

He seemed to be thinking it over. "All right, McKay, you win. The beds, the sleeping over, even the cuddling, although I never really thought of you as a cuddler."

"I know, funny isn't it? It's kinda nice though."

"I guess I'll find out. Can we get to the hot sex part now? Hot make-up sex."

"No. I think now we'll get to the sleeping part." John stared at him slack jawed. Rodney just grinned. "Hot sex in the morning."

They got undressed and crawled under Rodney's covers. At first, neither moved. They just lay side by side, hardly touching at all. But after a few minutes, Rodney draped his leg across John and John draped his arm across Rodney and they slept. In the same bed. In Atlantis.


	3. Chapter 3

**Through Hazel Eyes**

**Ddoskocil**

A/N: Okay, so I need to stop listening to the radio. I was listening to "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson the other day, and I though what if I write this story from John's point of view. So that's what I did. Oh, and I needed some excuse take a break from biochem. Let me know what you think. Before I forget, this story has only been read over once by yours truly, so I'm sure there are lots of mistakes. I'll fix them later. Like Wednesday or Friday.

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John tried to be still through out the briefing, but he was buzzing with energy. He wanted to be out of Atlantis and on the mainland, preferably with Rodney. He kept glancing at the other man, trying to send subtle hints, but Rodney seemed to be ignoring him. John gave up after a little while. The meeting would be over soon enough and then Rodney and him could enjoy themselves on the mainland. Just the two of them for a little R and R. They could be back to Atlantis by dinner and maybe he could convince Rodney to watch his football tape in the rec room tonight. John smiled at the thought.

The meeting ended and John stood slowly. He wanted the others out of the room before he approached Rodney, but Rodney seemed to be thinking the same things. The scientist approached John with single-minded determination. John smiled.

"Colonel, do you have a moment?" Rodney asked. John's smile widened, and Rodney turned away. John's smile faltered a little. Rodney never turned away from him before.

"What's up, McKay? Another jumper that needs to be tested?" he asked. He though the guise they used was clever, although he thought Elizabeth saw past it. It didn't matter though, because it was still clever. Jumpers needed to be tested and John could fly them.

"No, actually," Rodney responded. John frowned. No. What the hell did that mean? "Just follow me."

He didn't give John a chance to say anything else as he walked from the briefing room. John followed because he really needed to know why they couldn't "test the jumper" and have a little fun on the mainland after an exhausting mission.

"What's this about, McKay?" he asked slowly. Rodney didn't respond. He didn't even look back at John. John frowned and crossed his arms over his chest, but he followed. He wanted to know what the hell was wrong with McKay because this was not the Rodney he knew. They made they way to the labs and went straight to Rodney's office. When the door was locked, John tried again.

"Rodney?" John asked as he positioned himself on the edge of Rodney's desk. "What's this all about? I thought we were going to go on a little trip to the mainland?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I don't want to?" Rodney burst out. That took John back a bit.

"No, I guess not," John admitted slowly. He never thought Rodney wouldn't want to go. Why wouldn't he?

"What the hell are we doing here, Sheppard? Because, really, I want to know what you think."

"What do you mean?" John burst out. It wasn't what he meant to say, but it came out none-the-less. He was still a little put out about not getting any sex on the mainland.

"Oh for crying out loud! I found out about that alien girl," Rodney blurted out. Mara? What the hell did Mara have to do with anything? Wisely, John did not voice his questions.

"So I want to know exactly what you think we're doing here."

"Look, McKay," John replied instead. He dropped his voice and drew out the name. He was starting to become pissed.

"No, you look, Colonel. I'm done with this, all right." If John had been stunned before, that shocked the hell out of him. Rodney was breaking up with him? He couldn't quite wrap his brain around that thought. Rodney was ending it? They wouldn't be together anymore? Suddenly, John couldn't breath. When had McKay become that important to him? He tried to push it aside, but the feeling wrapped around his heart like a vise.

"If that's how you feel, McKay," he responded. It was the only thing he could think of. It sounded a bit cold, but John really wasn't thinking straight. Rodney just broke up with him.

"I guess I'll see you at the next team briefing," he stated as if it didn't bother him and turned to leave.

"I'm taking myself off your team," Rodney replied. It felt like a slap in the face. There was no way Rodney would remove himself from the team. The scientist loved to travel off world.

"What are you talking about, McKay?"

"I'm too valuable to be in the field. I'll assign another scientist to take my place. I'm not going through the gate unless it's an emergency from now on. Elizabeth already agreed to it," McKay snapped back. Elizabeth? Rodney was leaving the team. They wouldn't see each other every day. They wouldn't have arguments about flying and math and the natives and anything else that came up. Rodney wasn't just breaking up with him, he was completely disassociating himself from John. The hell with that.

John glared at him for a second. "I'm talking to Elizabeth about this," he almost yelled before he stormed out of the office. The scientists around eyed him, but John didn't care. He had one destination: Elizabeth.

Of course, Elizabeth had already made up her mind. All she did was give John all the good reasons why McKay shouldn't be on his team. Atlantis couldn't run without Rodney; Rodney was a valuable asset to the city; systems were failing and with Rodney around they would be fixed sooner. John wanted to scream at her. What about him? He couldn't survive without Rodney. But he kept his mouth shut and stormed out of Elizabeth's office with nothing resolved.

He went to the gym and beat the hell out of the poor bag until his knuckles were bloody. When Teyla entered she just eyed him, but said nothing. John was happy for that. He didn't want to talk about it. There was nothing to talk about. Besides, it was Rodney. He would probably be at the next team briefing all apologetic.

But at the next briefing, there was no McKay, just some geek in combats. John didn't even bother to learn his name. The kid would be gone by the end of the week and Rodney would be back by his side. John would see to that. He made that mission miserable for the kid. They didn't take a jumper and it was a good three-mile hike to the village. And John kept the pace steady. He barked at Teyla and Ronon whenever they complained and almost tore the kid's head off for stopping.

John Sheppard was not happy. He was determined that the others would not be happy either.

After that mission, he figured the kid would have quit and tell Rodney to stuff it, but he showed up on the next mission, and the one after that. John was running out of mean things to do to the kid. Pierce was his name.

And in all that time, John never saw Rodney. Not once. And it hurt more than it had any right to hurt.

It was almost a month later when he saw Rodney outside his quarters. He clenched his teeth and fists and tried to push away the excited hammering at his heart.

"McKay," he said with as little feeling as possible.

"Colonel," Rodney replied in a cold voice.

"Where are you off to?" John said, hoping to draw Rodney out a little.

"I was looking for Stackhouse."

John's heart skipped a beat and his eyes widened. Had Rodney moved on already? "Why?"

"Because I need a pilot, Colonel. Why else would I go to an enlisted man?" That stung.

"Of course," John responded, deflated. "Stackhouse is out on a mission. I could do it for you."

Rodney stopped mid-step. John could see the gears turning and twisting and knew Rodney was thinking it over. John figured Rodney was testing a jumper (for real) and he knew there were only a few people Rodney let fly. He hoped he was still one of them.

"Fine," Rodney barked.

"Fine," John agreed.

The walk to the jumper bay was made in complete silence. It was weird for John, who was used to Rodney's non-stop chatter. The silence continued as they flew, punctuated by Rodney's fingers flying over his laptop. Finally, John could not take it anymore.

"I've been thinking," he started.

"Is that a new development?" Rodney shot back.

John rolled his eyes, "We worked well together, Rodney. And this new guy you stuck us with, Pierce, he just doesn't cut it. Why don't you come back to the team?"

"I'm happy with what I'm doing," Rodney replied as he checked his computer read outs.

"You've got to miss gate travel, though."

"Oh, yes. I miss being shot at, chased, and hunted. I especially miss those forced marches and the running," Rodney snarked back.

"I miss you Rodney," John admitted. The admittance startled even him, but as he thought about it he realized it was true. He did miss Rodney. He really missed Rodney.

"What?"

"Don't you miss me just a little?"

"No. I don't miss the lying, the cheating, the stupid rules, the deceiving, the lows, or the crashes. I don't miss any of it. This jumper's fine. Let's take it back to Atlantis." John took a deep breath in to steady himself. Rodney really didn't miss him and John didn't blame him. He'd been horrible to Rodney and Rodney finally grew sick of it. He'd been an idiot. He thought about all the stupid things he'd done to Rodney over the past two years. And he regretted it. He never realized what Rodney meant to him until that moment. They got all the way back to Atlantis and were in the jumper bay before John spoke up.

"I was an idiot, okay? I'm sorry. Just, come back."

"To the team or to you?"

"Both."

"Tell me something about you."

"What?"

"Tell me something about you," Rodney repeated.

"I like to surf," John replied with a shrug. It was the first thing that came to mind.

"That's not what I meant and you know it. Tell me something I don't know. Tell me something no one knows," Rodney demanded. John stared at him. There were so many things he could tell Rodney, but he didn't want to. Some of those memories were better left alone. So he just stared at Rodney, not really sure what to say.

"If you can't even do that, than no," Rodney replied shortly. Then he stormed out. John waited two heartbeats.

"Fuck!" That was his chance and he blew it. Fuck.


	4. Chapter 4

**Through Hazel Eyes Part 2**

**Ddoskocil**

A/N: Sorry this took a little longer. Been busy with RL. Anywho, last installment of this story. No, really. I promise no more. Hope you enjoyed it.

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John half-heartedly hit the punching bag in front of him. He blew it. Rodney had asked him a simple question and he couldn't even answer it. He couldn't even answer the fucking question. He hit the bag a little harder. It was such an easy question, too. He could have answered it. There were hundreds of things he never told anyone else that he could tell Rodney. He threw another punch before he grabbed his bag and stalked out of the gym.

He was halfway through he shower when he made the decision. He rinsed and dressed without even drying off. He made a mad dash to the labs, fully expecting Rodney to be working. He practically ran through the door and almost barreled into Zelenka.

"Hey, Doc," he said, trying to sound nonchalant as he looked around the lab. "Is McKay around?"

Zelenka pushed his glasses up on his nose. "No, Colonel. Rodney did not come back after the jumper tests. I do not know where he went."

John tried to shrug, but he wasn't sure he pulled it off. His mind was whirling as he thought up all the places Rodney could possibly be. He paced for a moment than snapped his fingers, delighted that he figured it out. He pressed his radio. "McKay, come in," he stated. There was no answer. John tried again, but the result was the same. John felt a little defeated before another idea came to him. He snapped his fingers twice and touched his radio again. "Control room, this is Sheppard. Is Rodney there?"

"Sorry, Colonel. No one's seen Doctor McKay since this morning," came the response. John glanced at Zelenka, but the scientist was already working on his project. John smiled, grateful, but he didn't have time to be grateful for long. He had to find Rodney.

He strolled from the labs, but ducked back in a few seconds later. Zelenka looked up as John snatched a life signs detector from the desk. "I'm borrowing this."

He scanned the area: control room, mess hall, balconies, several labs, but Rodney was nowhere to be found. John was about to give up when he happened into the personnel areas. A signal popped up in Rodney's room. John stopped at the door, uncertain of how to proceed.

"Rodney?" he asked hesitantly. "Rodney? You in there?" He felt stupid for a moment. Of course Rodney was in there. He could see it on the life scanner. But Rodney did not move from his spot in the room.

"Come on, McKay," he said again, a little louder this time. "Damn it, McKay. Open the damn door." He curled his hand into a ball and pounded on the door once. Twice. Rodney still did not answer. He leaned against the door and slide down.

"Damn it, McKay. Don't make me beg out here," he said quietly as he covered his eyes with his hands. He waited a fraction of a second before he continued. "Damn it, Rodney. I'm sorry. I fucked up and I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Fuck."

He didn't know how to do this. He didn't know what to say to make Rodney forgive him. "I didn't mean to. I just-fuck, I don't know how to do this. I've never been good at this relationship stuff," he admitted. It was true. He never had a relationship before, just a bunch of dates and fuck buddies. But never a relationship. And the only one he had, he fucked up.

"Rodney, let me in. Please. Please, Rodney." He was practically begging, and John Sheppard did not beg. But Rodney was different. John was sure he would do anything for Rodney.

"Tell me something," Rodney said, interrupting his train of thought.

"What?" He wasn't sure he heard right. "Come on, McKay. Just let me in."

"Just tell me, Sheppard."

John suddenly stood. He didn't need this. Here he was begging and Rodney wanted something that was better left buried. John started to walk away, but stopped four steps out.

John was good at his job, really good at his job, actually. He was smart and handsome and could have any one on the base. None of those mattered if he didn't have Rodney. It sounded corny as he thought it, but Rodney was his other half. He came up with all the ideas. He saved John's ass more times than John could count. He turned back and slammed his fist against the door.

"Damn it, McKay!" He hit the door again. "Damn it. My father kicked me out when I was sixteen. He beat the hell out of me then kicked me to he curb. Didn't even let me get my stuff. He just threw it out of my bedroom window. So, there it is. Something I've never told anyone." He could feel the tears start and squeezed his eyes shut. He did not need to cry over something that happened twenty years ago.

He counted to three. Five. Ten. Sixty. Rodney still did not open the door.

"All right, Rodney. If that's the way you want it. I'll leave you alone," he whispered. He was about to push away when the door flung open to reveal Rodney. The other man stared at him for a second before he ran a hand over his check. John knew he should pull away, but he didn't. Instead, he placed his hand over Rodney's.

"Will you let me in now?" he asked slowly. "Please, Rodney."

Rodney didn't say anything, but he did step aside. John entered the room and sat on the edge of the bed. After a few moments, Rodney joined. They sat in silence for a long while.

"Why'd your dad kick you out?" Rodney suddenly asked. John took a deep breath.

"He caught me making out with my history tutor," he responded before quickly adding, "My male history tutor. He was furious. I thought he was going to kill me."  
Another moment of silence followed. John took in several deep breaths as he waited for Rodney to say something.

"Yeah. I had a similar experience. What'd you do?" Rodney finally asked. John glanced at Rodney from the corner of his eye, but he continued with his own story.

"Stayed with an aunt and uncle until I graduated high school. Flew commercially for a few years. I joined the Air Force the minute I heard he was killed. What happen to you?"

"What are you doing here, Sheppard?" Rodney said instead.

"You can't answer a question with a question."

"Well, I just did."

John glared for a moment. "I was serious in the jumper. I miss you, Rodney. And apparently we weren't as sneaky as I thought. Both Ronon and Teyla said I'm extra irritable when you're not there. So-" he answered with a little wave of his hand. He hoped that would be enough of an explanation for Rodney. He was wrong.

"That's it? That's bullshit, Sheppard. You think I'm going to forgive you because Teyla and Ronon think you're more irritable. Well, if that's what you think you can get the hell out now," Rodney leapt to his feet as he barked out his response. John hung his head. So much for trying to say the right thing. He felt like beating his head against the wall.

"That's not what I meant, Rodney. I need you."

"Right. Like you needed that alien chick." John opened his mouth to reply, to say it wasn't like that with Mara, but Rodney cut his off before he could start.

"I don't want to hear you 'need me', okay? I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I want more than that. I want it all. I want the commitment, and from me that's saying a lot. I want the real thing now." Rodney squeezed his eyes shut and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I love you, okay? I fucking love you and if you can't love me back, then get out right now."

"Rodney-" It was the only thing John could say. Rodney loved him. Oh, fuck. John loved Rodney. He could feel it welling up in his chest. That little feeling that had been nagging at John, screaming at him when Rodney was in danger, begging him to take Rodney in his arms: it was love.

"I am so serious right now," Rodney replied, obviously taking John's single word as something other than shock. John didn't know how to answer. So he stood and stepped toward Rodney. Then he did something he never thought he would do: he kissed Rodney while they were standing in Atlantis. True, they were in Rodney's room, but the door wasn't locked. It was a big step for John.

Rodney pushed him back and stepped away so there was some space. "That wasn't really an answer. I need an actual answer here. With actual words," he demanded. John smiled.

"I want to do this, Rodney. I want to make it work."

"That means you have to give up some of your extra curricular activities."

"Such as?" John raised an eyebrow.

"Cavorting with alien princesses for one." Okay, he could do that, so he nodded. Rodney seemed to relax a little as he continued. "And no more sneaking off to the Puddle jumpers. And I want you to stay the night."

"Rodney, I-" John started.

"Nope. That's it. Those are the new rules. There shall be lots of hot sex in beds followed by cuddling and sleeping in the same bed. Most nights. We can keep the 'no hot sex on missions' rule," Rodney announced. "And if you can't do that, I'm done. That's what I want, nothing less."  
John just stared at Rodney. A slow smile crept over his face as he pretended to think about it. Of course the answer was yes. "All right, McKay, you win," he said. "The beds, the sleeping over, even the cuddling, although I never really thought of you as a cuddler."

"I know, funny isn't it? It's kinda nice though."

"I guess I'll find out. Can we get to the hot sex part now? Hot make-up sex."

"No. I think now we'll get to the sleeping part." John stared at him slack jawed. Rodney just grinned. "Hot sex in the morning."

They striped down and climbed into bed without touching. They lay there for a while side by side, and John wasn't sure what to do. Than Rodney draped his leg over John's and John draped his arm over Rodney. A smile rested on John's face as he drifted to sleep.


End file.
